I have quite a few photos to post,
but I am just too lazy to do so...
=P

This runny nose is driving me nuts.
Seriously.
I cannot go anywhere without TONNES of tissue
(just in case)
and it is so inconvenient!
=(

I had fun yesterday.
Some of the songs were so nice.
=)
Thanks for the dedication too.
=)

Addicted to The Sims2 University,
so shall not waste time here..
Lol.
=P

I was reflecting quite a bit today..
And it's only midday,
but I have three main things to blog about,
already.

1. Balloons
2. Leave
3. Sunway

Just a little reminder for me.

Today,
Mun Kit got a balloon for his birthday.
It is a belated birthday present,
(from his class?)
It suddenly reminded me of how...
I loved balloons.
Even the Sony balloon failed to remind me,
the times I used to go to Novena,
for the sole purpose of getting a balloon,
to cheer myself up.
Mun Kit got a Tatty Bear balloon,
and it is really cute.
Reminded me of my "walking" balloon too.
=)
I was trying to remember when it was,
when I remember that I bought it for Mr A and Grace too.
which suddenly made me realise..
Although it seem like a long long time ago,
it was just...
the start of the year..
Translating to less than 10 months ago..
I was rather surprised,
because I actually initially thought it was at least a year ago.
I miss hanging out with Mr A.
Miss the carefree times I had with him,
with Grace.
When I did not need to worry too much about permission,
(it would be obtained)
When I did not need to think about stupid rumours,
or battle off others' suspicions and snide remarks.
Gone were the days..

Although I heard the news this morning,
I did not really have any big reaction,
mainly because I was trying not to sneeze,
and trying to stay awake..
The nice canteen aunty is leaving..
She used to meet the laundry aunty before they both came in to OH
(I heard)
Now one laundry aunty has already left..
And she is leaving too..
Being the oldest staff
(ripped from NyonNyon's blog)
Sigh.
How many more people are going to leave?
This place..
A home..
How can a home..
be a place where when you come back..
There are so many unfamiliar faces..
So many strangers staring back at you..
When you know,
you used to be a part of the OHANA..
A OHANA that you were...
quite literally
"kicked out" of..
Sigh.
2008,
is the year of farewells.
I have said goodbye to more people than I can ever,
ever,
ever remember saying in one year.

We talked as a group,
and I got irritated.
I think it showed,
although I tried to control my temper.
I am irritated,
because my parents do not want to talk about it,
until the official letter is out
(God knows when)
I am irritated,
because my teacher refuses to tell me,
so I cannot confirm with my parents.
I am irritated,
because my friends are telling me things that are different from what my parents say..
What do I do?
Who do I listen to?
Friends?
Wouldn't that make me not filial?
I know it will upset my parents...
I know they will feel that I am not listening to them..
I know...
because I saw it happened last time..
Family?
"You have to lead your own life"
without my family?
What if my life revolves around them?
Maybe I cannot make wise decisions so I still need them around..
Why is it so hard?
I don't really want to talk about it either.
I am just taking each day as it comes along.
There is no use harping about it..
Nothing is going to change anyway.

I will miss my crazy classmates during the hols..
Sultan,
your royal highness,
here is a Bee-oo-ti-phul picture!
Two, in fact. =D
Serene! =D

Here are some attempts of pictures,
after Pizza at Pizza Hut, 15 Oct! =D
Thanks for the treat!
Attempt 1:
Attempt 2: Matt is unfortunately screened off.
Attempt 3: most successful! =D
Timothy's treat at Coffee Bean, 17 October! =D
Waiting for Putu at Ms Selfridge
21 October. =)
As usual,
cam whoring! =D
Lots of attempts!
Completely blur picture!
Cut out picture!
My screensaver for now!
Retarded picture!
I like this one!

And here's the slightly clearer one!
I miss PUTPUT!Outing with Gracia on 26 October!
Wisma Atria ISETAN!
While we were still in OH
And more OH toilet pictures..


Waiting for the timer but me being too impatient!
*oppsie*

Food Republic Joy! =D
My cute but STUPID Girl-friend!
Gracia's cuter but stupid-er GIRL-friend!Tsk Tsk.
What is this?
Too dark to see.
=P
Next up,
Marcus's birthday dinner! =D
Happy belated Birthday!! =D
We were wearing
Orange Orange Black Black that day! =D

Okay..
Unglam picture of Matt No.1
=D
Unglam picture of birthday boy!
Unglam picture of Matt no.2
(and still counting!)
Unglam Picture no. 3!!
(okay.. it's quite alright actually..)
This is for Gracia!!
Unfortunately,
Ben&Jerry's not very good at spelling your name..
Almost..ALMOST there. =D
(all unglam pictures of Matt is a courtesy of KC)
Matt's slippers look better on me!!! =D
Breakfast 27 October! =D
KC's bowl! I like!!!
My superior Meiji milk!!!
As compared to KC's.. puny little one. =P

That's all for the overdue pictures..
For now. =)

Time flies.

yes it does.
=)

There are many proverbs in chinese
and english (I believe)
that lament on how time flies,
and waits for no one.
=l

*mental note:my name is in OHzone.. although no picture at all..Lol*

I have finally made my decision.
I will obey my parents.
I will not try to fight,
try to defend my stand..
It is time.

I am going home next year.

I am afraid,
of what my future holds..

You may not believe me,
you may feel it is just a spurt of the moment..
Yes..
it may well be..
but I am preparing myself mentally..
physically...
so that when the news is out,
I will not freak out.
I will be ready.
Don't desert me.

Tearing.
Just a sms can make me cry.
I feel like an idiot.
Must you do this to me?
Is it really.... that not obvious?
You really can't tell?
So it's confirmed.
I don't know how to react to that news.
Lol..
IT's kind of cute though.
=)
I am happy for her.
Stop breaking my heart.
Please.
Liking you..
is so tiring.
So painful..
So difficult.

Cannot resist blogging,
at all.

Been dying to blog,
since lunch,
so here I am,
at last.

It seems like a long story to me,
but I want to remember this,
unpleasant though it is..
now.
But I believe,
that down the road,
I will look back,
at laugh at these little incidences.
=)

So here goes.

I don't know since when,
I began to feel that
Three is a crowd.
It is just a feeling,
just a thought,
because three may not be a crowd to others.

Just to note,
I did laugh during literature class,
not too long ago,
when it was mentioned that,
two means union
three is a crowd
because I felt that it was not applicable at that point.

I guess perceptions change.
People believe in different things all the time,
because three,
being,
Godhead three in one,
is definitely not a crowd.

Anyway,
moving on,
and not harping on things,
situation has become awkward,
so I shall just retreat,
since I do not know
how to react,
how to act,
how to respond.

Since I admitted to Cheng Feng and Gracia,
I might as well just admit it.
It is not really that I do not want to join you for movies.
Really.
Even if I feel that three is a crowd,
you are still my friends after all,
people who have been with me through all the shit,
but..
When I know,
how can I...
when I know that,
if I am not there,
you can watch in the comfort of the rooms..
Instead of watching in the lobby,
where three heads are crammed together trying to see the screen,
trying not to be bothered by the crowds..
How can I put you through that?
Knowing fully well that..
it is only because of my presence.
Life is tough,
because I cannot change the fact that I am a girl.
I do love myself,
but sometimes,
to avoid all this hassle,
I have a little wish,
that..
I am a guy.
Or better still,
Oldham will stop being anal about these issues.
So you don't want to promote bgr,
so bbr and ggr are alright?
We are at the age that no matter what rules are set,
we can find a way about it,
if we really want to,
so let things be.

I don't need things to change.
I don't want it to either.
Let us just keep the last two weeks pleasant.
I will be away by then,
and I want to keep both of you as my friends,
friends that I can always turn to..
Friends who were through it all with me.


Don't give up on me,
because not matter what happens,
I am not giving up on you.



How can I help..
When I don't know what to believe..
They are curious,
and I have my doubts..
so I cannot defend..
because deep down,
I am afraid.

What the hell.

Haha.

Okay.
I can't really remember what I am supposed to blog about,
but I had fun yesterday.
=)

Don't feel like moving my ARSE today.
Bleah.
Tired.
Tired.
Tired.
I don't want to do anything.
Let's just let things be.

Okay.
Blogger refuses to load properly today.
It looks really weird,
but..
It's alright.

I guess blogger has its days too..
Like us. =P

tired.
OP done for the day,
done for the week.

I've always freaked out,
before a presentation or performance.
but usuallym
I will keep my cool,
and be alright,
once I am up there.

I think we did a good job yesterday,
but all of us screwed up today.
I was nervous,
even when I went up,
and it was a feeling,
that I am not used to.
I downright panicked,
and I needed my cards so badly,
that I could not even establish proper eye contact.
I was afraid,
and scared.
I did not want to know the truth that may reflect behind those eyes.
Reading off my cue cards,
I was at a correct pace today,
but I am disappointed,
at myself,
at the group.
We all did so badly.
Fumbling at words,
mispronounciation,
reading off cards,
what did we NOT do?

Woke up later than usual today,
in an attempt to get more sleep.
Thanks Vann,
for making sure I get up everyday.
=)
Gracia came to the room,
and I decided to get up 15 minutes earlier than my initial plans,
so I did,
and went for breakfast rather late.
Maybe that's why there were few people.
Haha.
We were all rather nonchalent about things.

Came to school,
but it's alright,
since it is already friday. =)

"I can only reply your question next week"
Okay..
I will rather know,
than to never hear it...
I guess.

I never knew I would feel this way,
that I would hate my parents' phone call.
but call they still do,
and talk we still do.
I just can't stand it.
"Why are you watching drama?"
"is it KOREAN!?"
"No...Taiwan. Happy?"
I know I was rude,
but what is wrong!?
Seriously.
How else do you expect me to spend my time?
How else can I escape all this?

"I'm tired."
"I don't know"
I have been saying these phrases so often,
they may be permanently a part of me.

NYJC party cancelled.
I don't know how to feel.
So I am not feeling anything.

CF.
Is there CF tonight?
I don't know if I want to go.
I am just tired.
And a little..
(oh yes! the phrase again! haha)
apprehensive.
Don't think I will go.
Shall just watch movie/DRAMA and sleep.
凉风吹过，
我的心也没平静。

苹果虽然奇形怪样，
蛮好吃的，
谢了。

maybe crying will ease the hurt.

I know what I want to do..

Drown myself in the shower,
but it is just way too impossible..

No more..
No more.

A brand new day.
Wow.
That's how I felt when I woke up.
Needless to say,
I was in a foul mood.
School.
What a way to look forward to life.

OP was alright.
I think we did decently well.
Frankly,
I am proud of my groupmates.
=)
We may have our misunderstandings,
but we definitely can do a job well.
=D

Jiayou 0813! =D

Coming back,
makes me even more weary.
Hungry too.
Had lunch at 1130am,
I thought I was going to faint from the hunger,
but..
I did not,
so all is well.
Hungry now again,
should I allow myself....
Haish.

Waiting for Goong to load.
It is the only thing that cheers me up,
somewhat.
When I am done with it,
I will continue with
FULL HOUSE
INNOCENT STEPS
ABSOLUTE BOYFRIEND
FATED TO LOVE YOU
I'M A CYBORG BUT IT'S OKAY
Yes,
I have a movie overload.
Who cares.
I need distractions.

I asked,
but the answer was refused..
I will only be notified later.
I hate this.
Fine then.
What can I say, right?
Life is horrendous sometimes.

Just drowning myself in sorrows and grief.

Irritated.
Things are piling up.
I hate this feeling.

But before I blog about this selfish shit,
let's blog about something worse.
School.
I cannot believe we must still go.
I am thankful for friends like Sultan,
who make school that bit..
better.

I hate school.
I am glad that I stayed back to rest today.
I was not near school,
not near any educational puppets.Not even KC.

I won't deny it,
but I am feeling downright(yes, not up left)
confused.

What is it..
when you want to be alone,
but yet,
you are afraid of loneliness..
when you want to hang out,
but you can't bear meeting people..
when you want to be with friends,
but seeing them just makes you feel worse...

What is going on with me...
I am asking,
but I don't want to know.
I am just tired of all this shit.
Why the hell must we go to school?
I don't want to..
I just want to sleep in bed and rot.
Yes,
ROT IN BED.

At least...
I am not going through this alone..
No matter what,
Gracia is the nearest..
who somewhat understands.
I no longer feel that depressed,
it is true..
but ..
the mask has gone back on.
The mask that was taken off for a while,
has been GLUED back.
It is no longer difficult to smile,
it is no longer difficult to make small talk.
It's alright, Yeah, right.
and I believe I can show that in my face.

I don't know what to say,
because words..
words have ceased to help me lift the load off,
words have ceased to give comfort..
words have become useless and empty.

I just want to disappear...
Cry and disappear...
SCREAM my head off, and disappear...

It is the first time,
my phone rang,
and your name came out,
and I was completely unwilling to pick up the phone.
I did not want to hear your voice.
I did not feel the comfort,
I only felt apprehension..
I still picked up the phone,
because I had to,
I must...
so I did.
I did not want to hear about your Thailand trip,
when I was still stuck here.
I did not want to hear anything at all,
but I still did.
Is it out of...
awkwardness?
Maybe I am filial after all..
I listened,
but did you?
I tried to tell you,
convince you in something..
that I did not believe as well..
It did not work,
you would not even listen,
what can I say?
I sound stupid,
even to myself.

Great,
now the light that Grace gave me fused.
The light that I have not used for so long,
suddenly will not work,
when I need it.
GREAT.

Talk about foul mood.
I am in a really foul mood.

Don't tag.
I don't want anyone to tag my blog.
Actually,
I want to remove the stupid tagboard.
I don't see the point of a tagboard actually.
It is useless.
I don't see a need for others to express their opinions on my opinions.
This is my blog,
I have the right,
and I am not allowing any damn idiot to stop me.
Just wait till I have the time.

I don't know what to do anymore.
Do what I am supposed to?
My heart is not in it..
I don't see the point..

When it is all out,
and I finish the stupid project,
if it really is so,
I am not going anymore.
I don't want to.
Even if I am to waste my time,
I want to waste it happily,
in a way that I want to.

No one will truly understand,
unless they are in this position..
So what if I brought this upon myself?
Laugh all you want.
I will bear it.
Everything.
Just don't tell me what to do,
because I don't listen,
I won't listen to all this shit anymore.

Am I being unreasonable..
SO WHAT IF I AM.
Shit.
I think I am having split personality disorder.
WHaTEVEr.



It hurts.
Do you know that?
It HURTS!
It just.. hurts.. so shut up and get the hell outta my life.

Went on a shopping spree last night.
Hopped from ToaPayoh,
to Taka,
to Plaza Sing..
in search of one thing...
but bought... everything else..
Lol..

It's funny.
I believe in
"shopping theraphy"
so I cannot wait to earn my own money so that I am officially allowed to indulge in it.

Met Putu,
and I am really happy.
Pictures...
hmm.. later ..
Lazy to upload.
=P

Mee Siam and ice-blended lychee.
It was good.
Really,
but..
my stomach is taking a toll now.

I am really happy folding stars.
Ran out of paper actually,
but I will continue soon!! =D
Can't wait.
=)
I think it's cute!
=D
Living in my own little world, it all looks good there =)
Talked to my parents last night,
I don't know what to say to them anymore.
I kind of don't want to talk about this,
at all.
Anymore.
Let's just leave it and see where the wind takes me.
If it is to hell,
then so be it.

BLEAH.
BLEAH BLEAH.
Gracia, hugsssss! =D

Yet another day.
I am thankful,
of a roommate who allows me to use her internet account.

ALL THE BEST FOR O's!! =D

HuiZ, MingHui,

HAPPY belated BIRTHDAY!!!!!!!!!! =D

I feel evil,
been cutting myself out from the rest of the world.
Never even wish my juniors "Best of Luck" for O's.
Couldn't bring myself to even sms...
but hey people,
I was really thinking about it.
=)
You don't need my wishes,
because I know all of you will ace the exam.
I just wish I could say the same about everything.
Still numb about things,
the only thing that is giving me a wake-up call,
is that PAINFUL tummy ache.
Yes.
It has developed into gastric.
How wonderful.
Gastric + Diarrhea = Disaster
Tummy hurts still,
I hate this sensation.
It will teach me a lesson,
or like what Tim said,
can lose weight.
*slaps forehead*
Tim is an idiot.

I woke up,
then I started to cry.
It was 5am.
I fell back asleep,
then woke up again at 10am,
and I continued where I left off.
I couldn't help it,
I didn't even know what I was crying about..
I just felt like crying..
and this is a first,
in my entire existence on this planet.
I guess it was a blessing my roomie was there,
because her presence made me control myself.
Last night,
I manged to watch a bit of drama before I went to bed,
and I felt better.
"One-sided love is tiring"
Yes,
I agree.
It is tiring... <=)
Could not really sleep immediately,
maybe because I napped...
Plus the fact that I got out o bed at 10am,
so I did what I do best these few days.
I cried myself to sleep.
I hope I did not disturb Angeline...
I was pretty quiet..
O..
Indora came by Oldham,
to surprise me.
=)
She is so sweet.
I cried when I saw her,
not very...
glam,
actually,
rather embarrassing...
but I was so glad,
so thankful to see her...
We talked,
I didn't tell her everything,
but...
it felt good,
that someone I can hug,
someone I can cuddle with,
was right next to me.
I miss her,
so much it hurts.
Thanks Matt,
for helping int he surprise. =)
Thanks Stevenn,
for the pasta which became my lunch.
Thanks YeeWern,
for noticing stuff.. =)
Thanks Tim,
for calling me on Saturday.
Thanks KC,
for the pretzel which became my dinner.
Thanks Gracia,
for being with me through it all.
Thanks RuiAnn,
for understanding and forgiving.
Thanks Aylwin,
for not murdering me yet..
Thanks Zack,
for helping me laugh at myself..
Thanks NyonNyon,
for the text that cheered me up..
Thanks Indora,
for coming.
Thanks Cindy,
for slapping me so hard that I have your handprints permanently.
Thanks Jun & Gabriel,
for trying to help.

I still believe,
that everyone is going through this in a different way.
No two people will feel the same way,
about the same issue,
due to different upbringings,
due to different experiences,
due to different expectations.
I agree with Mei,
please,
just the last year..
No?
Maybe I should see this as a blessing..
It will not be so weird if everyone moves at the same time...
Will I even be here?
It still scares me,
so much.
It still frightens me..
I dare not lean on anyone,
because I know they must be feeling the strain too..
without me being a burden..
but I can't help,
leaning on some..
I am sorry.
Truly.
It is just that I feel safer,
when you people are around...
I was freaked out,
by the assembly crowd.
Can you believe that?
I never throught,
I would go through that kind of feeling.
Embarrassment,
humiliation,
about anything,
everything.
I just don't want to answer any questions,
don't want to talk about anything.
I enjoy being there,
listening,
being a wallflower...
At the same time,
I am afraid..
afraid of being left behind..
afraid that as time passes by,
the friendship will all but disappear..
What will happen,
I am curious...
but I don't want to know.

I only know I need to snap out of this,
but I can't do it,
not yet.
But, tomorrow may be too late.

I'm fine.
I just wish people will stop treating me so weirdly.
I don't want anyone to ask anything.
Tired.

It's a brand new day.
Still suffering from my own actions.
What can I say.
Some things are better left unsaid,
some things are better left forgotten...
but scars,
will remain
I have scarred my friends.

There are so many people to thank,
so many people to apologise to,
that I don't..
I don't have the energy right now,
but I will.

I can't even do PW thanks to the stupid internet.
Can only blog,
nothing else,
because the file is not here either.
I don't know why Qmax is always so horrible.

I didn't mean to get so many people involved.
I don't really want to remember,
but I do.
I still feel obligated to acknowledge certain stuff.

People,
I am truly sorry.


To tell the truth,
I was comforted,
by all the hugs.
Fine,
so I am selfish,
I liked it,
a lot,
and I don't think it's easy to get people to hug you,
especially when they are conservative usually..
but hey,
I got my comfort..
I ...
I just feel lonely.
A little dazed,
A little lost..

Pushing my close friends away one by one,
pushing them to the edge,
I don't know what I am trying to achieve,
and how to stop doing it..
I know I am not alone in this,
but at the same time,
everyone is going through it differently,
and so,
I do feel alone after all.
I don't know what to say,
and it's eating away at me.
It's the only thing I am bothered about right now,
and my world,
yes,
my entire world is revolving around this,
my future.
How can I help but wonder?
Even as I pray and surrender it to God,
my heart is restless,
and my mind is anxious.
When we talk,
I have nothing to say,
because all I want to talk about,
is this,
and I know you will not want to keep listening to it.
When we talk,
I would rather stone,
so that I can think about what I want to think,
instead of listening to all this nonsense.
When we talk,
I don't really know how to join in.
I have lost that...
light-heartedness,
the lightness is things I do.
How can I.. when my world seems to crumbling around me...
What is the point of pulling my friends down with me in my sorrow?
What is the point,
of this friendship,
which...
I cannot even be here to sustain?
I will miss everyone so much,
that I don't think I can handle it.
I will miss everyone so much,
so maybe...
I am pushing all of you away,
so that goodbye will be that bit... easier.

I am not ready to leave,
not ready to stay.

My msn messenger just deleted everyone,
again.
I am so sick of this,
stupid internet,
stupid msn.
Fine..

In school.
Already.
PW.
PW.
PW.

Although I let my computer sleep,
instead of shutting it down,
all the videos,
were still not there.
=(
Sigh.
At least I can watch during the movie marathon tonight.

Should I go with Stevenn tonight?
I want to,
but I think...
I should not...
but I really want to...
I asked him,
but now I can't decide...

So..
I don't know what people are expecting to read,
but..
=I
I feel numb.
Yes,
麻木的苦闷.
That is the exact description.

I don't even know how to react,
but I know I promised not to make it tough on anyone.

"It's not confirmed yet"
I know,
but I was told...
95% confirmed.

"A Miracle can happen"
I need more than one...

I am afraid.
I am tired of being afraid all the time.
Don't know if I am acting weird,
but I suddenly feel rather quiet,
nothing much to say,
always feeling blur and dazed,
and this is just adding on to it.
Am I acting weird?
But I have always been rather...
unique.
No?
Lol.
I am not used to not hearing my voice,
but I will take comfort,
in His promises,
in RuiAnn's talking (being normal)
in Matt and KC's concern.
What else can I do?

Photos will have to be uploaded later because the school internet refuses to cooperate.

Blogging,
when I am supposed to be doing Oral Presentation (OP) scripts.
I am quite happy,
because Painting said my slides are nice.
I was worried that it may be too concise,
or too....
basically,
not up to standard.
Yup,
but they are fine. =)

I will be telling you all this later,
but I still want to blog it out,
My dearest PW mates,
Vanessa,
YanTing,
Yong Liang,
Win..
I am sorry that I am often absent.
Well if you noticed,
it has been like that since the start of the year,
so I am definitely not trying to skip PW,
but....
school actually. =P
I am sorry if I have been overloading you guys,
and I hope that....
you all will forgive me,
because I think I am a lousy groupmate.
Send me the things,
and I will do it.
Sometimes I feel overloaded,
editting it again and again,
but I understand that everyone needs to do their part,
so because of my absense,
in a way,
I should do more than the rest of you.
I hope I am forgiven,
and please...
Just send me the work.
I will do it.
Promise.
Please don't be angry..

I am weary,
and wary of every little change in my surroundings.
What will come next?

We'll be strong together, okay?

My eye was so swollen,
I looked like I got punched,
then kicked,
in the eye area.
Goodness.

One friend thought I was hungover,
another asked if I cried then went to bed...
I did neither,
but I did ask my roommate whether I was crying when I was sleeping..
but apparently not either...

All I know is that when I woke up at 6am,
I knew my eye was wet with tears..
I could not open it properly
(one side)
but I had to text several people,
so I did,
and went back to bed.

When I next woke up,
I was horrified with the condition of my eye.
I am glad that only 3 people,
including me saw me...
=P

Now,
my eye is better.
Thankfully.

I can't use my internet account,
using Angeline's.
(THANKS!)
for a little while.

I like the post by KC.
I really really like both of them.
=)

Lazy to blog,
shall go rot away.

Today,
is the day,
I will know where I stand.
It does not matter what the moderations are,
it does not matter how the teachers will help,
but this is the day,
I will know,
where I stand.

Fear.
It really is the only word I can describe my current condition.
With one and a half hours break,
and half hour dedicated to eating my lunch delicately,
I still had another hour.
Walking around,
checking my mail,
I am currently down to half an hour,
and perspiration is starting to form even though I am in an air-cond room.

Fear.
Why is it that they must give back all the papers in one shot?
I don't think I can handle this kind of intense pressure.
It is really freaking me out,
and I don't think I will blog later in the day so I better blog everything out now.

Fear.
I have not told my parents anything since they have not called me.
What if they happen to call tonight?
I would not know how to respond,
what to say,
how to break the news to them...

Fear.
Will I still be able to enjoy these friendships?
Friendships that have pulled me through many melodramas...
Friendships that have survived tantrums, quarrels, bickers...

Fear.
How will things be like,
if I really had to go..
and answer all the questions...
Questions that will be nothing short of demeaning..
Questions that will hurt,
questions,
which I have no correct answer to...

Fear.
I don't want to go.
I am not ready.
I know I know..
even I have said it.
It is and will be part of God's plan,
His plans to prosper my future,
whether I stay,
or not.
but,
I am still afraid.

Fear.
I am afraid to leave,
yet I am afraid to stay.
I don't know if I can cope if I stay,
but I don't want to leave.
Is this even logical?
I don't want to let go,
but I don't want to hang on.
It seems to me,
that I don't know what I want...
I seem to be having a ....
an early mid-life crisis.

Fear.
As usual,
I am just being an idiot.
All has been decided,
and all I need to do,
is go into the hall,
and receive my fate.
No sweat.
Yeah, right.

Fear.
Enveloping me.
Suffocating me.
I hate this feeling.
The only difference between this and a horror movie,
is that I know a movie,
is a movie,
and it is intense fear,
in a short period of time.
This,
is killing me.
It is gnawing away at me.
I don't know how to face people,
don't know how I am supposed to respond,
don't know what will happen,
and downright scared,
scared that this fear,
that has been with me since weeks ago,
will just turn to sorrow...
Sorrow,
like on Monday,
sorrow that I controlled,
sorrow that I hid so well,
until my classmate cried...

Fear.
I can never control myself,
when I see someone else crying...
I simply can't.
Tears will just flow,
flow and flow...
and it reminds me of how blood flows out,
when the victim's wound is on the underside,
in contact with the ground...
Flowing without hesitation...
Flowing without control.

Fear.
It's no use.
I don't know anymore.

Lord,
the exam is finished.
Thank You for the guidance.
May Your peace,
be with me and my peers,
that we shall review our results in the light of You.
You have promised that Your grace is sufficient for us,
show us the grace.
In Jesus's most precious name,
may our faith in You never waiver even in this moment of fear,
Amen.

Prav Happy Birthday!! (belated here) Lol. I hope you had a great time. =)
Matt Lol... Welcome? Hahaha. =) You take care too, k? That headache is worrying...

Hmm..
got up,
dressed up,
had breakfast,
then decided not to go.
I didn't want to see anyone.
I didn't want to meet anyone.
I didn't want to face the possibility of seeing my results.

I haven't told my parents...
I don't know what to say..
"Hi. I think I failed. So.. should I pack up now?"
I don't want to face the possibility of leaving..
I don't want to see the disappointment in my family..
I don't want to hear their disappointed voices..
It's hard enough being disappointed in yourself,
regretting that you did not regret and buck up,
regretting that you did not know what you really wanted,
it's harder,
to see your family,
disappointed,
but putting a strong front up for you,
encouraging you,
urging you ahead...
I know my family is completely supportive,
so I know this will be awaiting me..
I don't want to...
I don't want to..
I'd rather have my parents scream at me..
that I am a disappointment,
that they are ashamed of having me,
that they didn't know I was so stupid..
I don't want to see their inner struggle..
I am not worth all the fight.
I can't even fight for myself,
there is no need for anyone else to fight for me.

I don't want to face others..
Those endless questions..
Questions that will hurt,
questions that will dig up all the memories..
Questions that will evoke sympathy..
Can I just hide away and disappear?

I don't want to go home..
For a break,
yes..
but not forever.

I know I never really liked JC,
never felt that I belonged,
but to be remove from JC,
is to be taken away from something that I am MORE familiar with,
and taking me away from yet another comfort zone.

Must this keep happening?
What is wrong with me?
My attitude,
my mentality..
I know I need to go to school,
but I can't bring myself to..
The disappointment of it all..
I can't deal with it.
I can't seem to get over it.

Your mum called,
and I was really shocked..
She sounded..
disappointed,
but still rationale and all,
so I am sorry to hear about the hard time she is giving you..
The scoldings..
but hey..
I think your mum needs time to digest this..
We had months,
knowing what the outcome will most probably be like...
but I guess your mum was still...
unclear and all...
At least she knows now..
I haven't told my parents.... yet.
I don't know how to hide it as well...

Some people,
are just plain irritating.
If you know you did well,
congratulations.
It's not a matter on which we will take it personally.
However,
if you did well,
and keep flaunting it,
it is obvious that we will be irritated.
Of course,
the cream of the crop,
are people,
who did well,
and insist that they did HORRENDOUSLY,
knowing well that the people they are talking to,
have nothing much to salvage anymore.
If you are doing such things,
can you blame others for being irritated?
Can you truly blame others for hating you?
I don't have an issue with Stevenn, Prae, Zippy, Nadet and others who did well..
So that is obviously not the issue.
It's not about envy on our side,
it's about attitude on yours.
If you cannot emphatize with us,
you should just keep quiet,
we would understand your position.
Flaunt it,
complain about it,
and this is what you get.
Just shut the hell up.
Seriously.
Feel lonely?
Got no friends?
What do you expect when you keep doing things like that?
When you rub it in other people's faces?
GG.
So what if her initials happen to be GG?
If you can't even respect her name,
you don't deserve to be her friend.
If I ever hear anyone making fun of her name,
I'll beat the shit out of you.(If I'm in a foul mood)
It's not funny.
It's hurtful.
Then again,
what would you know,right?
You are just another idiot on this planet.
You are going to be alone here next year..
O...
so sad.
But..
hey...
look on the bright side..
you had good practice this year..
no?
Since you were always a loner anyway,
I don't think it will make much difference.
No one glamarizing you comine birthday?
Seriously..
People like me don't even get to celebrate on the real day with my friends..
17 years,
it has been this way.
The 18th year is not going to be any different.
It's not that big of a deal,
even though it will be nice to celebrate with your friends,
but stop kicking such a big fuss and making everyone feel sien about it,
can?
I think I am just making a joke out of mine,
and I hope others take it that way,
but hey..
if you can't even appreciate our efforts this year,
even if I get to stay next year,
I am not going to bloody care about wasting money on a celebration that you are going to complain about.

I don't have time for losers.

I may not make it through academically,
but I will not be the one who ends up alone.
Just think and reflect about what you are doing.
I haven't even started taking this personally yet.

My dear,
I hope that we will pass this together,
okay?
Don't get too upset,
and I'm here if you need an ear.
I think..
this is the time we will need each others' support a lot..

Goodness.
I wish I didn't have to see anybody.
It just hurts.
It hurts to see friends..
knowing that I may not be able to enjoy this company for long..

Shit.
Bloody hell.
I don't think I want to go for CF anymore.
I don't know how Gabriel can bring himself to go,
because I don't think I can..
remain composed there.
I don't want to break down,
so I shall just remain in my room.

Forgot to reply tags...

Gracia, Yes I know... Lol

Okay..
I can't remember who else tagged...
Nevermind...
lazy...

Assembly was...
bad.
I had a horrendous headache,
and I wanted to kill myself.
The headache is the same one from Friday,
I wonder what is causing my head to feel this... constriction.

End of the year..
another DVD...
yet another year...
I am tired.
I am afraid.
Afraid of what tomorrow means and brings...

Well well well...
I realised I have not been online.
It's weird of me not to update my blog everyday.
I guess it's a routine,
although I really dislike routines.

First off,
even though exams are over,
I am feeling..
nonchalent
I guess the announcement from the Chemistry department to check our papers really threw me off,
and really dampened my mood.
However,
much was done,
(in a way)
and I am still thankful of things.

Hmm...
first off,
this is a picture I took of the school library because I was just too bored...
Haha..
and it was after Lit paper,
before Chem paper 1,
on Tuesday.
I think our school library is neat. =D


On Friday,
I was supposed to go out with Gabriel,
Jun and the rest,
but because of period I was feeling..
BLEAH,
so I decided not to go,
then HuiZyi wanted to meet up,
because she was not feeling that great,
so I decided to go.
I was glad I met up with her,
and we had a DRESS UP session,
after so long..
Haha.
Whenever Gracia and I go out,
we tend to go out in FBTs,
or anything as....
sloppy.
Hahaha.
When I go out with Matt and KC,
it's...
almost just as bad.
=P
Hahahahaha.
Sometimes I miss those dress up moments!
Anyway,
we went to Kbox,
and I learnt even more new Chinese songs,
had quite a blast,
and....
after that we went around to pick up some stuff,
and we had to get plasters because she was having blisters everywhere.
Met KC on the way back,
and saw Ms Chin Yee and another boarder too.
Got a little reprimanded,
but yeah.
HAhaha.
I like my dress,
so I have no qualms wearing it.
PICTURES PICTURES PICTURES!!! =D





Yesterday,
KC, Matt and I went to Toa Payoh.
It's a weird place to hang out,
but yeah...
After lunch at delifrance,
we were playing archade,
bishy-bashy!! =D
We just hung around after..
=)

Here's a picture of the nice blue sky,
it's really small,
so it may not be clear,
but the weather was nice.
=)
Here's US! =D
I realise that I look super dark!!!
Well,
it's a result of tanning. =P
Matt and I! =D
KC and I! =D
KC and Matt! =D


Here's the dessert after dinner at Oldham Hall!
We had a little fruits fetish so we decided to make....
FRUIT SALAD! =D
Starfruits, grapes and Strawberries are delicious! =D
Here are more Candid pictures during our mini escapade!! =D




Three of us again! =D
Candid Candid Candid!
and I love it! =D
Our own little froggies! =D
KC looks more like a frog than Matt though.
Lol..
My mini project!
It didn't come out too bad,
so I will most probably start doing it for the others I have in mind.. =)
Soon...
(I should not procrastinate!)
Lol..